Do You Need an Invitation to Go to a Funeral?
Recently, I lost another sibling.
When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, losing someone to addiction or mental health struggles can feel heartbreakingly normal.
We decided to forgo a traditional funeral and plan a smaller gathering. During those early conversations, one of my siblings accidentally texted me something meant for someone else. She wrote that she wished I wouldn’t come.
That moment stayed with me.
Later, I spoke with a dear friend who told me that when her father died, someone said to her, “I hope you don’t come.” And it made me wonder:
Who gets to decide who is allowed at a funeral?
Whose grief is greater?
Who gets to grieve at all?
We all have different relationships—even within the same family. Some memories are warm and loving. Others are complicated or painful.
I’ve spent years working on my own healing. I’ve created strong boundaries and have a low tolerance for staying close to people who are abusive, addicted, or committed to repeating dysfunction. Because of that, I understand why I might not be welcome in a space that celebrates someone I experienced as unkind or neglectful.
And still, I believe this:
Funerals are for the living.
They are spaces for grief, reflection, and goodbye.
Grief is not a competition.
Love is not a guest list.
The Ironic Part
On the very evening my sibling died, I was leading a wellness walk on Fort Myers Beach. I was talking with others about hope, healing, and happiness—about the belief that we can break cycles and rewrite the stories that no longer serve us.
While she was drinking herself to death, I was walking with people, encouraging them to choose a different path.
Two lives. Two directions. Same night.
It made me think of the song Isn’t It Ironic.
And it reminded me why I do the work I do.
Because we can rewrite our stories.
We can become the parent we always needed.
We can choose healing over dysfunction.
We can choose hope in the hard places.
A Pineapple Perspective
To be a Pineapple Person is to:
- See people
- Value people
- Be sweet to people
Especially when life is messy.
Especially when relationships were complicated.
Especially when grief shows up in different forms.
Sometimes the most healing thing we can say is:
“You’re welcome here. Your grief matters too.”
Questions for reflection:
- Have you ever felt excluded from someone’s funeral or grieving process?
- How do you handle complicated relationships after someone passes?
- Do you believe funerals should be invitation-only?
- How can you be a Pineapple Person to someone who is grieving?
- What story from your past are you choosing to rewrite?
